Reasons WHY we are easy to manipulate when it comes to “Love-Bombing”
- Loneliness – Will be further explained in this blog.
- It is something we aren’t used to/we are used to – meaning we are experiencing something new that seems so great/we feel a familiarity with what we’re experiencing and we don’t want to let go.
- We don’t necessarily see it as harmful – because these manipulators are so damn good at this, We feel false connections, but we enjoy it because we do not realize that they are false.
Loneliness is the biggest reason why we are vulnerable to this tactic used by potential abusers/unhealthy partners. Mainly because there is a void in our life and the media grooms us that we are nothing if we don’t have a partner. Plus, we are human and being lonely is depressing, and for some, hard to handle. Those most vulnerable to loneliness are those who just gotten out of a relationship or those who just experienced a terrible divorce. Others may be those who never had someone that cared for them so they crave the attention and love. One of my favourite quotes is one from Mark Tyrell that states, “Lonely people – people who don’t give and receive enough attention, have a sense of meaningful interaction (intimacy), or feel part of a group – become vulnerable because those needs remain unmet.” If that isn’t the most truest quote ever!
I remember being in high school and I had just had my first real relationship breakup. Yeah some called it puppy love but that relationship meant a lot to me, still does till this day. So side note: let’s stop downplaying teenager’s relationships… Because those relationships become very real, and can last. This is also most likely the reason NOBODY taught me that abuse and jealousy that leads to controlling behavior happens, and is indeed NOT NORMAL. Back to the story, so I had just left that relationship, I felt broken, sad. Dyed my hair and everything! I got pretty… lonely and I guess you could say desperate. I blame the media heavily for this because I swear as we grow up in today’s day and age we are groomed from a young age that we should always be with someone romantically. We see this in fairytales, novels meant for teenagers, television shows, etc. WE SEE IT EVERYWHERE. Anyhow, so I was looking for someone to fill that void I had with someone else and unlucky me, I got someone who turned out to be the biggest manipulator of all. I became a victim of love-bombing, because I was lonely. I have also seen this happen to couples who split, and it is so devastating to watch others go through with what you did, it is also so hard as a survivor to watch things play out as if it is love-bombing going on in my friends and families lives. So here I am, writing this blog post in hopes to help them, to help others.
The Signs Explained and How We Can Spot Them
- Moving Too Fast – This is a huge red flag, and if you can’t see it but have others telling you they can, you may want to listen to them, not everyone is out to get you or to ruin your love life, some are just simply worried, and they have every right to be when they see your relationship moving a bit too fast! Here is why this is potentially a sign more than it is coincidence…
From my personal experience when my new relationship that started near the end of my freshman year of high school, I was lonely and vulnerable I saw no problem with talking to him everyday, I saw no issues with seeing him after and before every single class we had. I saw no issue with texting him throughout the day nor talking to him over the phone all night long. It was the attention I subconsciously craved. Little did I know that I was being love-bombed. I simply was blinded by perception and I wish I would have caught on. Life was suddenly livable, amazing. I was no longer depressed all the time and I never felt ‘alone’, of course, it was the beginning and it didn’t stay like that. We had our first date the end of that first week, and by the end of the second week he had already said, “I love you” like it was normal, I remember not saying it back right after and being completely freaked out however, at the end of the school day I said it back. Why? I have no freaking clue but I did. I guess I was afraid to lose the feeling I had, the feeling that I was finally “happy”.
Looking back, that was way too fast, and a huge red flag. Realistically in healthy developing relationships, they DO NOT move that fast and that is the truth.
2. Labeling After the Second Date – He may have said that he loved me after the 2nd week, but we didn’t have labels until the start of the 3rd week. His reasoning, “I don’t want you to freak out, and I want you to feel comfortable, I don’t want you to think I’m rushing you” OH MY GOSH THAT WAS ALSO SO MANIPULATIVE! In the manipulator’s mind he was actually saying, “Please don’t freak out because I said that I loved you too early, I don’t want you to leave yet, I seen how I could manipulate you so easy and I can’t have you leave”.
Please do not use labels until you two are for sure interested in furthering the relationship.
3. Acts of Neediness – When you’re being love-bombed it is safe to say another flag (that is actually very easy to spot) is that they will act so needy, and they don’t want you to have breathing room. Why? So you can’t even think that they’re actually not a good person and that you don’t have time to realize they aren’t genuine.
4. Rephrasing Questions – Oh, you said no? Too bad, They will just rephrase the question so you two will do what they want. What they do is try to rephrase the question in a way to make you say yes. This is another red flag because HONESTLY, you should NEVER have to do something you do NOT want to do. They are pressuring you, they may be adding extra details that will entice you… for example:
Love-bomber – “Hey one of my favourite bands are coming to the arena and having a show, we should definitely get tickets, I think you will LOVE them!”
You – “I’m sorry, I can’t go I have other plans I am obligated to fill.”
Them – “You can cancel those can’t you? We should totally go, their tickets are just $50 each for good seats!”
You – “I don’t know..”
Them – “You can afford that can’t you? Come on..
And so they guilt, possibly using money or emotion as a scheme to get you to say yes. Please do not fall for that. It is such a shame they use this tactic.
5. Refusing ANY Blame for the Failure of Their Past relationship(s) – This isn’t easy to pick up on considering even regular people don’t see the wrongs they had done in past relationships. However, it is definitely a red flag when they start emphasizing that they did no wrong, and start completely bashing the other whom was involved.
6. They Suddenly Love/Like Everything You Love/Like – This is easy to spot if you aren’t already blinded by perception. Realistically unless you used something like match.com where you two put all the same interests in, nobody is going to like everything you like. Let’s be honest. You think you have a lot in common however, that is their GOAL! To make you two feel so “in-sync” and who wants to leave someone who enjoys the same things as you? This tactic is used too often and it just annoys the crap out of me. Why? Because people who have different interests can still make their relationship work, I mean why must you like everything I like? To me that’s so off-putting. But to others, they enjoy it!
7. Inconsistency – So they told you when you two met that they liked what you liked, but now all of a sudden… they don’t? Didn’t they tell you they did enjoy playing board games like you? Oh and do NOT get me started, they will ASLO be so inconsistent personality wise, not just with their interests! They may act completely different depending on who they or you all are around. Please look for this in the beginning, because this is a tell-tell sign they aren’t who they painted themselves to be when you two first met.
So when we started officially dating he would listen to country music all the time, his parents even state that because of me, he was listening to more country. I told him I didn’t enjoy country the most, I LOVED heavy metal at that time, and I guess he already had an interest for it, so he started liking country because it gave him another way to connect with me I guess. Later on in the relationship he started HATING it once again. He would always say it wasn’t country – I agree though, it isn’t real country anymore – he would down me for liking it, though, I told him I liked older country better he would focus on that and just degrade me for that choice. When we would be around his redneck friends at school or in parking lots, it was like a switch, he would PLAY THAT COUNTRY – MODERN COUNTRY LOUD for them and man crush all over Luke Bryan with them. I should have left cause what the actual F?! There is one example of inconsistency.
8. They Will Act As If They Are Your Savior/Your Their Savior – Yes. You read that 100% CORRECTLY. They will literally act as if you saved them or they saved you. In my experience it was that I apparently saved them.
He would always tell me how I apparently saved him from depression, and suicide and etc. He acted like I was Jesus. I did not like it, but I can see how this tactic would make others like it. Just know if they’re saying such, it could be a 50/50 chance that it is most likely untrue and just to love-bomb you, and later it will be used as a manipulation tactic to get you to stay, that will be covered in Wednesday’s blog & video a little more.
Those are the top signs to look out for (on the topic of love-bombing) and I beg every body to keep an eye out for them. This is important, and I hope his blog strikes a conversation in your friendships and families. Do not miss your chance to educate your daughter or son about these signs. I was only 14. Thank you for reading this first blog post for Purple Ribbon Week in observance for Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Here is the link to today’s video if interested in hearing more of my story: Click here to watch!
If you have a story to tell, or you’re a survivor who proudly uses your voice to create awareness please hashtag your posts with, #purpleribbonweek I will re-share on Instagram & tag you! You can even tag me, @lifewithcaitie !
Have a blessed day everyone. Much love! – Caitie